New years eve

And I honestly can't think of one resolution. I've known and have been working on any change I've been wanting. And a new year doesn't really bring a new life anyway, everyone just uses it as an excuse for a new start, but all your old problems will come with you into the new year. I dunno. I'll just take this as the 100% for sure beginning of change in myself. Not so much change as much as control - I know what I want and I know how to get there. I just need to learn patience.

I'm glad

that I can now pull myself out of bad feelings. I only care about what really matters to me and it feels awesome.

I'm also glad that tomorrows x-mas eve.
And I REALLLYY hope my mom decides to let me get the Yaris I want :):)

Make the same mistake twice

From throat and eyes came winter and reasons
I'm told to carry on
Sad overwhelms my senses drown oh I feel dependent
The feeling that you were honest before
I can't shake it

Thank you Saosin for spelling out how much everything can suck sometimes.



I think I can be better.
It's just too bad that I didn't think of this awhile ago.
And life's not fair
but I don't give a fuck.

Funny thing is I know my being upset right now won't affect me at all come tomorrow. So I'm gonna go to bed in high hopes that I feel as wonderful as I have been when I wake up.

I don't know

Why this shit matters as much as it does
But it does
So I'm just gonna roll with it

Some things that I want for Christmas

1. People to be honest
2. People to be mature
3. People to be upfront
4. People to play sports with
and
5. People with lots of love

I mean, I don't care if people don't want the same things I do. That's totally fine. I just don't get why people can't own up to what it is they do want - for some reason everyone feels the need to sugar coat everything in attempts to not hurt peoples feelings? Truth is, lying and stretching the truth is what will hurt peoples feelings.
All I really want at this point is some honesty.

I guess

Maybe I just need to feel this way sometimes. You can't be happy all the time, right? At the same time though, when I say that I think in my mind: Fuck that, yes you can. Thing is I don't feel like I need all this so much anymore. It was like this big chunk of my life before and its taken so long for me to finally feel like it's not necessary. And right now, I don't even know why I'm feeling like this. I probably should try to think more positively though but that doesn't seem like much of an option. Sometimes, once this is in my mind, it's stuck there. And sometimes, I can get it away immediately. I just wonder if I can be something more worth while. Not trying to be negative towards myself because I like the person I am, it just seems like I always get stuck in a place that doesn't seem fitting to me. I know what I want to be and I know how I want to be and I know exactly what I want to feel. But I haven't. And the only time I've come close that got so magnificently fucked up despite my best efforts. So there's this constant question in my mind: why try? I know, I know. You can't go through your life without trying, you can't give up. But it's not really giving up yknow, it's just deciding to not give a shit anymore. I don't feel like this is worth all my effort. I'm trying to be a person who can do whatever I want whenever I feel the need to do so but somethings always holding me back. I want to say what I feel and I want to love when I want to love and I want to run and yell when I want to run and yell and spin in circles when my happiness overcomes everything else in my mind. I want to be surrounded by beautiful big trees and acres and acres of the softest, prettiest, most perfect in their unperfectness daffodils and embrace the sun into me and spin and feel all the love in the world showering over me and just fall and let the rays of my sunshine bleed into my skin.
Is that so much to ask?

Damn

Lifes gooooood.

Not stoked about doing my research paper today but VERY stoked about being done with it.

I am so happy.
It's so great because I'm not letting stuff get me down. ahh :)

I'm happy

Simple as that. And I'm only writing to say so. Coolest part is it doesn't feel temporary. I actually believe that I can be and stay happy.
For the most part at least.

Dec 1: FANTASTIC!

Such a great day dude.
Started off... woke up, got ready, went to the DMV, took my test, PASSED! Went to school, chilled, came home. Cleaned, hung out. Mom came home, I took the car and picked up Lauren. From there we went to my daddys cause it's his birthday and I drove us to a nice lil dinner. Then I drove us back and Lauren and I decided we wanted to go to the movies so we did that and saw Four Christmases. It was good but not as good as I expected. Then we went drivin and decided to take pictures by the fountain off Bollinger. Then I drove her home and blahda overall the day was a success :) I'm not too worried about anything short of my research paper so life's good. :)