New years eve

And I honestly can't think of one resolution. I've known and have been working on any change I've been wanting. And a new year doesn't really bring a new life anyway, everyone just uses it as an excuse for a new start, but all your old problems will come with you into the new year. I dunno. I'll just take this as the 100% for sure beginning of change in myself. Not so much change as much as control - I know what I want and I know how to get there. I just need to learn patience.

I'm glad

that I can now pull myself out of bad feelings. I only care about what really matters to me and it feels awesome.

I'm also glad that tomorrows x-mas eve.
And I REALLLYY hope my mom decides to let me get the Yaris I want :):)

Make the same mistake twice

From throat and eyes came winter and reasons
I'm told to carry on
Sad overwhelms my senses drown oh I feel dependent
The feeling that you were honest before
I can't shake it

Thank you Saosin for spelling out how much everything can suck sometimes.



I think I can be better.
It's just too bad that I didn't think of this awhile ago.
And life's not fair
but I don't give a fuck.

Funny thing is I know my being upset right now won't affect me at all come tomorrow. So I'm gonna go to bed in high hopes that I feel as wonderful as I have been when I wake up.

I don't know

Why this shit matters as much as it does
But it does
So I'm just gonna roll with it

Some things that I want for Christmas

1. People to be honest
2. People to be mature
3. People to be upfront
4. People to play sports with
and
5. People with lots of love

I mean, I don't care if people don't want the same things I do. That's totally fine. I just don't get why people can't own up to what it is they do want - for some reason everyone feels the need to sugar coat everything in attempts to not hurt peoples feelings? Truth is, lying and stretching the truth is what will hurt peoples feelings.
All I really want at this point is some honesty.

I guess

Maybe I just need to feel this way sometimes. You can't be happy all the time, right? At the same time though, when I say that I think in my mind: Fuck that, yes you can. Thing is I don't feel like I need all this so much anymore. It was like this big chunk of my life before and its taken so long for me to finally feel like it's not necessary. And right now, I don't even know why I'm feeling like this. I probably should try to think more positively though but that doesn't seem like much of an option. Sometimes, once this is in my mind, it's stuck there. And sometimes, I can get it away immediately. I just wonder if I can be something more worth while. Not trying to be negative towards myself because I like the person I am, it just seems like I always get stuck in a place that doesn't seem fitting to me. I know what I want to be and I know how I want to be and I know exactly what I want to feel. But I haven't. And the only time I've come close that got so magnificently fucked up despite my best efforts. So there's this constant question in my mind: why try? I know, I know. You can't go through your life without trying, you can't give up. But it's not really giving up yknow, it's just deciding to not give a shit anymore. I don't feel like this is worth all my effort. I'm trying to be a person who can do whatever I want whenever I feel the need to do so but somethings always holding me back. I want to say what I feel and I want to love when I want to love and I want to run and yell when I want to run and yell and spin in circles when my happiness overcomes everything else in my mind. I want to be surrounded by beautiful big trees and acres and acres of the softest, prettiest, most perfect in their unperfectness daffodils and embrace the sun into me and spin and feel all the love in the world showering over me and just fall and let the rays of my sunshine bleed into my skin.
Is that so much to ask?

Damn

Lifes gooooood.

Not stoked about doing my research paper today but VERY stoked about being done with it.

I am so happy.
It's so great because I'm not letting stuff get me down. ahh :)

I'm happy

Simple as that. And I'm only writing to say so. Coolest part is it doesn't feel temporary. I actually believe that I can be and stay happy.
For the most part at least.

Dec 1: FANTASTIC!

Such a great day dude.
Started off... woke up, got ready, went to the DMV, took my test, PASSED! Went to school, chilled, came home. Cleaned, hung out. Mom came home, I took the car and picked up Lauren. From there we went to my daddys cause it's his birthday and I drove us to a nice lil dinner. Then I drove us back and Lauren and I decided we wanted to go to the movies so we did that and saw Four Christmases. It was good but not as good as I expected. Then we went drivin and decided to take pictures by the fountain off Bollinger. Then I drove her home and blahda overall the day was a success :) I'm not too worried about anything short of my research paper so life's good. :)

???????

So I think I'm figuring it all out. I've let my life fall apart too many times in the past couple years to just do it again. Not saying I have any reason to, but seems like I never need one. I've let all the bad things in my life overpower the good and I'm completely done with it. I know I can do stuff to make myself happy and if I keep a good outlook instead of constantly thinking about everything that's gone wrong I know I'll be ok.
So yeah I guess this is just my motivation coming back and goddamn I am NOT letting myself fall apart again. I've come too far.

Thinking

It's strange how drinking can completely change your outlook on things. Like, personally, I tend to lose all self control. Or maybe it's just all in my head. Cause I set rules for myself and wanna stick to them so bad, cause to be honest I kinda need to if I want any sense of self esteem, but I go against them every time. And every time I end up alone in it all cause no one really gets it. Thing is, this probably sounds like a whole bunch of self pity but I feel totally fine. I just wish I cared enough about myself to not fuck things up all the time.
Another thing is I don't really get how people can be so mean. Like, so heartless and inconsiderate of other peoples feelings. I don't get how you could lie to someone knowing it will lead to them being really hurt. I guess people just aren't all I thought they were because I used to be completely convinced that everyone has a good heart and if shown a little love it will conquer anything. Like, someone wouldn't do something harmful to someone else because of it. But if that were the case I don't think we'd have so many people getting raped or abused or murdered in our world. Or maybe those people are just insane although I'm not sure how much I believe that. There's a fine line between genius and insanity and too many of us are tiptoeing across it.
Then again, we're all a little insane. And maybe love can conquer anything but I have no place to say so, I don't even know if I know what love is anymore.
Aint it funny how this is the most and possibly least stable I've felt in a long time?

Idk why I update this so much

But I'm just kinda hanging out here by myself right now because sometime after I passed out everyone left except like 4 people that are still asleep
I think I should quit drinking. Broken glasses and a broken phone within like a 5 day time period is notttttt cool. Not to mention I tend to make an idiot out of myself when I drink.
blah.

Wow

I'm dumb

I really need to work on not blaming myself for everything.
And I need to work on not over analyzing situations.
yeeeeaaaaaaaa
And I need to be more observant

or maybe! just maybe... I need to chill out and stop thinking about this crap so much. yeah. that sounds good.

Happy Thanksgiving

Just got back from Louisiana... too many stories to even attempt to write on here.

I need to work on not believing everything people say to me. It's weird because you could say one bad thing about me and I'd probably believe it. Depending on what it is.
Maybe it's just because of who says it.

Louisiana tomorrow!

I'm so excited... tomorrow I'll arrive late, unpack, be stoked.
In the morning I'll pick up Danielle from the airport, we'll go back to my grandparents, get beautiful and ready and spend the day in New Orleans and the night partypartypartying. I'm going to get her so many hurricanes she won't be able to think straight for days.
Then the rest will be amazing too :)
And I get back Thursday (Thanksgiving day), do dinner at my grandparents and go home. Hopefully hang out with Matt that night!
Then the rest of the weekend...house to myself... and oh dear god am I excited.
THENNN that Sunday I have my last Drivers Training and on Monday my LICENSE TEST! I'm getting my license the day of my dads birthday. yeeeeeee :)
Aint life wonderful sometimes?
Not only do I have this awesome lineup but life would be going great even if I didn't, I'm just stoked to see what it has in store for me.
Oh and CITY AND COLOUR IN JANUARY!
fuck yes

I have the weirdest mood swings

I have very high highs and very low lows, there's no happy medium with me

That's ok though cause right now I feel incredible. and everything is just so fucking beautiful!
I'm sooo happy with the person I'm becoming :) I never could've imagined it this way but it's all exactly what I want

I think this is more of what I want people to read

Even thought I doubt anyone really does, cept maybe Matt haha. Cause when I write in actual journals it's the thoughts that I'd never even think of writing in here. But in here, I say what I wanna get out there. Hmm.
I've noticed I always set a lot of standards for myself, what I think I deserve, etc. In a lot of ways - school, relationships, myself as a person. But I always let my feelings get in the way of that and once I feel something, about anything, they all just fall away. I like that though. I know I'm passionate about what I do feel and I think that's a good trait for myself.

I wrote in a real journal today!

I only wrote a few lines but it was nice. This whole online-journal, can't say everything I want to say, stuff doesn't really do it for me.
And last night I got too drunk and let out a lot I sorta wish I hadn't. It would be so much easier if I could find it in myself to believe that anyone understands, yknow? And I'd like to find faith in something. I wanna believe in something. That's my current goal.

More random

Life's such a big jumbled mess
With all it's little quirks and the things that make you wanna scream
And somehow there's all this good hidden beneath the bad
And it's kind of amazing how nothings ever what it seems
Then there's moments like this one
Where you just wanna wrap yourself around your feelings
And soak in the sunshine of all the love pouring in around you
And you can't help but smile because life's just so damn beautiful
And your brightest shades of purple are turning to blue
And it's just so damn beautiful
I believe in embracing every feeling
Wrapping yourself up in the good, bad, happy, and sad
Somewhere where you can find some meaning
Cause what's light without dark?
It only stands out because of the contrast between the two
And moments like this where all the little questions don't matter
The why, what, where, how and who
Because in this big mess we like to call life
You can find so much more than what there appears to be
And your horizons will broaden with every thought in your mind
And aint it beautiful when you get to choose how far you can see

Don't even know

It's always coming back to this moment
Because you have to draw me in before you can draw me out
Such a pretty painted picture and it's black words scribbled across
I've never really been able to figure out what it's about
Words are my only definition of the images in my mind
I'd look around and wonder if anyone else can see them
The screaming pictures of you and the light of me
You're this beautiful flower pulled out at the stem
Cause the thing is, I believe you can feel it
Maybe you're just immune to what it could have been
Cause I don't know what you are now
But it wasn't what you were then
And it's funny cause I don't care all that much and there are no specifics
You're each and every time someone crossed a line
And finally it's hard to feel it
Maybe this numbness could be some sort of a cure
Or maybe it's proof that hurt can hurt too bad
Cause when you're alone and by yourself
And you've forgotten all you've had
Maybe you'll feel it
It's kind of ironic how the worst pain is the kind you don't feel at all
The kind that has a heavy sinking heart and a mind aching for more
It's got a body curled up wishing to feel something
And a lost set of eyes searching wildly for a door
Cause in the picture, you are screaming
I still can't figure out it if it's for hate or if it's for help
It's this burning fiery of passion
And this innocent face letting out the weakest of yelps
In your eyes I see a father screaming at a daughter
Telling her the things that will stick to her heart for years to come
I see a boy taking advantage of a girl
Who won't ever be the same because of what he's done
And I see all emotions wrapped up together
Forming some sort of shield against anyone with bad intentions
It's the woman you swore you loved
But not enough for a little more attention
So I guess this picture is one of everything felt
The breaking of hearts and the mending of minds
Society all focused on figuring out the world before bringing it together
And searching for a key they just can't find

Happy 11/11

My main purpose of writing right now is to say that to everyone and distract myself from an essay hah. 4-day weekend went good for the most part. Had it's ups and downs but I'd say it was a success. If you haven't seen Role Models, GO SEE IT! funniest movie of 08' by far.
I don't really know how much I can trust anyone anymore. Then the people I do trust things are so complicated with and I don't really wanna bug anyone with my problems. So I can't trust some people to keep their mouths shut and no one really understands what I'm saying anyway. You can't really complain about stuff to someone when they're the root of your complaints can you? No wonder.
It's kinda funny how my mind is convincing me that it's losing itself.
Whatevs. Later.

Time for a serious entry

My weekends been pretty good.
Today was horrid beyond horrid and then it turned out okay. And idk what I'm ever feeling really. I think this is the first time I've ever not felt bad for expressing my feelings about my dad though which is strange..but good in a sense. I'm opening up about things I never thought I would. yay for Aaron being my best friend and there to listen to me.
I just hope that these crazy thoughts inside my head leave me alone a little more often.
Don't get me wrong though, there are some awesome things going on in my life right now. So I'm not complainin, lets just hope it all turns out okay.
Well uh have a good rest of the 4-day weekend everyone. Or everyone who has one haha.

THIS IS FOR MATT

cause he's mah nigga

and it was gettin awful lonely on LiveJournal all by myself...
Well, 4 day weekend! STOKED! Life's good despite my random low spots. But I guess that's just part of life. School's goin good although I need to turn in 3 late big assignments... whoops. I always come up with some sort of excuse hah.
I dunno what the point of this entry is. I guess it's just a "sup" to Matt.
fasho haha