Maybe I just need to feel this way sometimes. You can't be happy all the time, right? At the same time though, when I say that I think in my mind: Fuck that, yes you can. Thing is I don't feel like I need all this so much anymore. It was like this big chunk of my life before and its taken so long for me to finally feel like it's not necessary. And right now, I don't even know why I'm feeling like this. I probably should try to think more positively though but that doesn't seem like much of an option. Sometimes, once this is in my mind, it's stuck there. And sometimes, I can get it away immediately. I just wonder if I can be something more worth while. Not trying to be negative towards myself because I like the person I am, it just seems like I always get stuck in a place that doesn't seem fitting to me. I know what I want to be and I know how I want to be and I know exactly what I want to feel. But I haven't. And the only time I've come close that got so magnificently fucked up despite my best efforts. So there's this constant question in my mind: why try? I know, I know. You can't go through your life without trying, you can't give up. But it's not really giving up yknow, it's just deciding to not give a shit anymore. I don't feel like this is worth all my effort. I'm trying to be a person who can do whatever I want whenever I feel the need to do so but somethings always holding me back. I want to say what I feel and I want to love when I want to love and I want to run and yell when I want to run and yell and spin in circles when my happiness overcomes everything else in my mind. I want to be surrounded by beautiful big trees and acres and acres of the softest, prettiest, most perfect in their unperfectness daffodils and embrace the sun into me and spin and feel all the love in the world showering over me and just fall and let the rays of my sunshine bleed into my skin.
Is that so much to ask?
No comments:
Post a Comment