:)

This is the best I've felt about myself in as long as I can remember.
I actually feel like someone, and it's absolutely amazing and I'm going to soak myself in it for as long as I possibly can.

...

I'm a fuckin nut
Tomorrow will be so fun though!

Isn't it so crazy

how everything's so crazy but it's all too crazy to really be able to comprehend how crazy it is and everything blurs together in this crazy mess of things but it's not really anything at all because who's to tell what's real and what's not it's all based off perception and what we want to see or what we do believe or don't believe or how we see everything we see but how do we know if it's even there at all or that anyone has any idea what we mean and why diagnose yourself when there's no telling whether or not your diagnosis is real but in all reality it's better to be crazy than sane because why be sane when you can feel and experience so much more than that and it's better to be abnormal in a supposedly normal world. but we all know that no one can determine what's normal and what's not. and when you think outside the box instead of conforming to drawing inside the lines of what other people tell you is accurate, but you don't really know that it is because no one can determine that but there's so many rules because humans decided they rule the world and that we need some sort of structure but doesn't happiness lie in the lack of structure and new experience and doing what may not be considered right but maybe we just love breaking free because we're kept caged in and how can we not fly away when everyone's trying to clip our wings. it's just crazy

dunno

never have been able to get my priorities straight
i just keep coming back but it's always too late
i know you're disappointed
i know you expected more
but when it grabs a hold of you...
i just can't get myself back from the floor
funny thing is this is only the topping to everything else
deception, disadvantage and truth you didn't need to know
do you remember when you looked up to him?
when you loved him?
but now when you hit start nothing seems to go
and you're speaking too fast and going to slow
and you keep getting older but don't seem to grow
and then you stop
covered in worthlessness from head to toe
i remember watching you grow up
you had the most beautiful smile
it didn't matter who was around because everything was worth while
remember the song you had with your daddy?
remember when he didn't remember it anymore?
every day gets slower but every week gets faster
nothing to look for
nothing in store
held up against the wall and all i can hear is screaming
screaming thrashing itself against my skin
curled up on the bathroom floor all you can feel is kicking
well, i guess we knew we couldn't win
too much hate runs through my veins to express
pushed farther into these walls till i can't speak anymore
"it takes two to fuck"
look at you, etched into your flesh
slut
whore
maybe it would be best just to let yourself fall back
back deeper into the ocean of your thoughts
someone pushed you to believing everything and nothing at all
someones watching you wither, your empty heart rots
fall, fall, fall back farther, farther, farther
till you can't see a thing
remember when you could fly so high over?
well you've been cut off - wing by wing

Lately

Every time I feel something bad I keep it in because I feel selfish for feeling that way because I SHOULD be feeling grateful. And I can't tell if I'm actually happy or just bottling up my emotions and pushing them away. I hate the economy and I wanna keep my house. I hate how dependent the world is on fucking money. I hate not being able to live my life in ways that I'd like to because of not having the money to do it. I hate holding myself back. I hate fear. I hate people who make other people feel the way I feel right now. I hate that people can actually have that control. I hate feeling like I shouldn't have said something or should have said something. I hate questioning myself and everything I do. I hate feeling like this when most of the time I feel ok then feeling like this and not knowing if I ever really felt ok. And the weirdest part is, I don't really hate at all. All these things just fucking suck.
But what sucks the VERY most is that there's always something in the way. If something feels right, there will be something in the way to take it away from you.

I just had the most interesting thought

Why talk about other peoples lives when you could be living yours?

Happy Friday the 13th

I guess there's some things I'll just never stop feeling. And I know it's about to hit me 10x harder soon. It's not necessarily a bad thing... cause they're great feelings, I just sometimes wish they weren't there.

Missed school today because of a bomb threat or something. Not tryin to get blown up so I didn't want to take the risk. Instead, I went to the mall with Caitlin and got a really cute butterfly ring and sweeeet shades. :) I'm stoked about it.

Not bad for an "unlucky" day. And still so much more to come!

I guess...

It's inevitable that some things will fall apart. I always sort of felt off to the side anyway and there were always times where I was the one who wasn't there. I just wish I could re-do the past year or so, so that maybe.. just maybe, I could make things okay again. Cause I've never appreciated parts of my life more than that. And now it's all falling away through my fingers and there's absolutely no way I can catch grasp of it again. Truth is, I'm not the only one that's tried. That's why I say it's inevitable. And I'd say I'll try more, I'll try harder, I'll be better, but this is me and that's all I really have to give.

I want to exist only in my mind

And I want to disappear from everything else.

It's like, there's nowhere I can be completely alone, yet I feel completely alone in the wrong way all the time.

When I'm with you everything around me falls into place and all the colors only highlight your face.

This big mess I've been in

For what, 5, 6 years? It just got bigger. I feel like I've finally really let it consume me and eat me up because now I can't see myself. I'm trying really hard to look past all of this but I can't feel a bit of who I used to be. And the thing is, I don't want to change. I'm ok with growing but I want to remain me. And I think I messed that up.
Truth is, I'm messing everything up lately. I'm putting the wrong things first and losing grasp of the things and people that have always cared about me. I just woke up this morning and realized that. So if you've ever questioned whether or not I love you, especially lately, I probably do. I haven't stopped loving anyone I've loved over the past year or so.
So. What now?

Matts right

fuck this shit, it's just an excuse to say things you're too scared to say to peoples faces. i'm done!

Fucked up

Yea. I sorta do shit wrong... all the time. If only people realized that by now. My mind is never made, I'm always feeling a little less of what I desire and I don't listen. At all.

I still can't really come to terms with the idea that I'm worth enough to be cared for. I don't think this is the "snap out of it, be happy" sort of shit. Cause it's so much more than that and I think it's clinical yet I also can not come to terms with the idea that I need serious help.
Whatever.

I'm vurrrrrrrrr happy

and that's all that matters!!!!!!

Jan 17 2009

worst day
ever


and now, I have no idea what to do

Everyone knows

I'm a fucking fake.
And the thing is, I'd love to say that what people say doesn't affect me. But ha, it does. I'm a big giant mess. I can't get that whole fuck up concept out of my mind.
It could be more simple than this right? I could suppress all my feelings and go on feeling worthless and crazy and sick to my stomach and dizzy all the time. Just not talk about it. It's pretty sad that some of the people closest to me in my life are pushing me to that. I'm so reserved now for a reason. Cause it's true right? I shouldn't talk about what's going on with me. Because I have no reason to feel the way I do. So I shouldn't. So I'll pretend I feel completely okay. It's not like I haven't been fucking trying. And it's not that simple. People should stop lying to themselves and acting like everythings okay when it's not.

If I could tell the world just one thing it would be we're all okay

Not to worry cause worry is wasteful and useless in times like these
I won't be made useless, won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith for light does the darkness most fear

I am so inconsistent

Not with people, not with my relationships, not with anything in my life really. Just with myself and my feelings. Cause thing is, I'm happy now. Right now, I am completely content with myself and everything. But who knows how long that'll last? And then when I drop again, who knows how long that'll last? Only time will tell I guess.

The truth is

I'm scared
I'm scared and I'm angry and I'm sad and I'm trapped beneath those feelings and too lethargic to pick myself up. It'll happen though. I can tell.

My mind is just rolling

I'm excited to dream tonight :) I hope I get a chance to fly again so I can take real advantage of it.

Life's good despite things
And there's always a reason to smile even if it's just at how crazy and silly things are, even the bad things. ya feel me?

New Years Resolutions

Yeah, what a joke.

So, in like May I forgot the password to my laptop

It's been a longggggggggg time....
So I decided to try again today. And
it was
my password
to EVERYTHING.
I'm retarded.


But last night was good. :) Happy 09 suckas